Ep #176: Stop People-Pleasing and Start Setting Loving Boundaries (Encore)

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, we'll get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Welcome back, friend. To the last few episodes, we've really been diving into getting intentional, creating clarity in your co-parenting journey, deciding what really matters to you and how you want to move forward in this next chapter of your co-parenting life. Sometimes we need some bumper rails, and what do I mean? So many of the moms that I talk with and that I work with and I certainly know in my own life have been raised in a way that people pleasing is a huge part of how we live our lives. And what does that mean? We have been groomed and raised to make other people happy to make sure that everyone else feels okay. And so what we do is contort ourselves, quiet ourselves, silence ourselves in order to make other people comfortable. The only thing that does is really disempower you. So what I wanted to focus on in this episode was what you could do to arm yourself so that you don't have to have the annoying conversation with your co-parenting partner, that you're dreading, or that you don't have to numb yourself or selfa abandon, or end up feeling like a doormat or pretending that you're okay with things that you're not.

Simply because you haven't set boundaries. So what are boundaries? Boundaries are simply a part of growing. They're an essential part of growing. I like Christine Haslers definition of boundaries a lot. She calls them a self-honoring agreement with yourself or others that supports your wellbeing and comes from love. A boundary is something that you agree to do for yourself so that you are supporting your wellbeing, your self-care, and that it always comes from love. I don't know anything else that would be more supportive, healing and loving than having boundaries. But all too often we think boundaries are really these walls to keep people out, but actually boundaries keep you in your life because you're being truthful, honest and caring. I mean, the fact is, is that when we tolerate the hurtful and negative behavior of the other co-parent, when we don't say what's true for us or when we pull away and we just ignore what's going on, it actually just builds resentment, not because of what they're doing, but because of what you are or are not saying to yourself.

We self abandon and when we self abandon, we become a doormat. So really, boundaries are about having the courage to communicate your needs, to set a boundary and stop pretending something's okay when it just simply isn't. I think the one place that I've learned more about boundaries in my own life has been through the co-parenting journey because there are complexities. It is challenging to co-parent with someone that you once loved and that now is a completely different person to you. So you're really holding these two views of this person, and you also have so much emotional baggage, history, memories that it all sort of gets smooshed in there. I find that when I'm not really clear and boundaried with myself, I just end up numbing, avoiding, and self abandoning. Essentially, I end up as a doormat and I get really resentful about it or I pretend like things aren't happening and I feel really, really uncomfortable in that.

Can you relate to that at all? I know that the women that I talk to every day, this is one of the areas that they struggle most in. So there are two kinds of boundaries, internal and external. Internal is a boundary within yourself. So what does that look like? So let's use a really benign example, but maybe you have a friend who loves to gossip, but you've noticed when you sit and listen to it or participate in it, you feel really awful. So then you find yourself kind of avoiding that person, not wanting to hang out with them. An internal boundary might saying to yourself, I really don't feel good when I'm in the presence of this person because of the negativity. And so maybe you're not to the point that you want to sever the relationship completely, but maybe you just set a boundary with yourself that I'm going to only see this person for coffee one time a month.

So an external boundary is actually a verbal request with another person. A boundary here externally is all about what you will do when something happens. I'm going to use another sort of benign example. Let's say you have a neighbor that just walks into the house anytime they want to come over and they say hello, they just walk through your front door. So you could say, stop walking through my front door without knocking, right? That might be one way to do it, but that's focusing on what the other person needs to stop doing versus a boundary is what you'll do. So you could say, you know what? I really don't appreciate that you just walk through the door without knocking. So if you continue to walk into my house without knocking, I'm going to lock the front door, right? This is just saying what you will do in response to something.

The majority of the time, we don't set boundaries because we want the other person to agree with them or we're afraid of what will happen, of how upset the other person might be if we hold them. But really we have to set and keep boundaries even when other people don't like it because they aren't going to like it. I mean, that's the thing about boundaries. If something has been happening over and over and then you change, the other person probably isn't going to like it, but you have to be willing and be okay with them being upset to let them have their upset and to hold the boundary right to enforce it, because that's what saves you from feeling like a doormat, really. When we have the boundary and we hold it and we enforce it, this is what prevents us from becoming resentful. We become resentful when we think someone else is standing in the way of us having or feeling the way that we want.

So when we don't have boundaries and we don't clearly communicate them with ourselves or others, what we often end up doing is just throwing up barriers. And barriers are not boundaries. A barrier is just putting up a brick wall and locking yourself in and locking everyone out. But barriers are really just a way to escape because you didn't have the courage to create the boundary. So we have to really be willing to look at where am I resentful? Where am I feeling like I'm a doormat and why? What is it that I think this person is standing in my way of having, or what are they not allowing me to feel? That's how you get to the boundary that you need to set so that you can set it and enforce it, but that takes the courage to be honest about it, about what you need.

Brene Brown has one of the most wonderful quotes about boundaries. She says, when we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing the behavior or choice. This not setting the boundaries continues the toxic cycle of attack and blame. This is what I see so many of my clients stuck in really stuck constantly, not wanting to be in the attack and blame cycle, but they find themselves there because they're not creating and holding boundaries. So boundaries are actually set with love because being loving means being real, being honest, being authentic and being courageous. So stopping at this point and asking yourself, what boundaries do I need to set to grow and build a healthier co-parenting relationship? Being willing to look at it and ask yourself, where am I resentful?

Where are the triggers that I find myself? What is the conversation I'm avoiding and why? So that you can get to the boundaries that you do need to set. And I'm just going to go through a couple examples. One situation that I see so many of my clients in is trying to figure out how to craft the perfect response via text, via email to the other co-parent to get them to see it their way or to get them to respond in a way that isn't attacking. If they could just say it in this perfect way, if they could just be more concise, if they could just figure out the words that would make the other person see it, they spend so much time crafting this, spending time rereading it, maybe even sharing it with other people, and there's so much energy just lost and sucked out.

This is a place where we need an internal boundary to save your energy. And this might look like I need to limit my responses. Maybe I can spend 15 minutes on an email response or a text response, and then it's done. And in that response, I'm going to be truthful. I'm going to be concise. I'm going to use as few words as possible, and then I'm going to move on. When you get to a point that you have said, what is truthful and what is kind the truth sometimes isn't sweet, but we can be kind in how we deliver it. And then once you've done that, you move on. You don't allow yourself to second guess. You don't allow yourself to ask five people what they think. If they agree with it, you just decide, I have an internal boundary that I'm going to decide that I'm going to give myself this amount of time.

I'm going to do that, and I'm going to move on. Because otherwise, you end up draining all of your energy and your time and your emotions, and you don't have anything left over for you or your kids, or maybe seeing the other co-parent is really triggering. So maybe an internal boundary is needed. What are you going to do to create safety for yourself when you see the other co-parent? Maybe it transition times. Maybe you not going to the transition is most healing for you. Maybe you have a grandparent or someone else that can help with that. Whatever it is, it's realizing what do I need to feel safe in this moment in time? And give yourself that. If you know you're going to get triggered and you're going to end up not showing up the way that you want, maybe you need a boundary. So now let's look at a couple of examples of external boundaries.

Oftentimes I find my clients are hiding or avoiding conversations because they don't want to deal with them. They're convinced of what will happen when they get on the phone with the other person because maybe they yell, maybe they call names. Maybe it gets really ugly and they don't want to have to just take it. Well, here's the thing. You don't have to just take it. You create a boundary. Again, a boundary is about what you will do when something happens. So if the other co-parent has a tendency to call names, get really negative or go in droning on and on about past things, you simply say, you state the boundary. If you yell, call names, insert whatever the problem is, I will hang up. I'll be happy to continue the conversation when we can both speak in a respectful way and you hang up. Maybe you call back 10 minutes later, maybe you wait for them to call back, and if they start yelling, you reiterate the boundary and you hang up, right?

It's just constantly going back to this is what I will do in response, because the boundary is really about you creating safety for you, you deciding what you will or will not tolerate internally and externally. It's not about changing the other person, but it's about you deciding what you need to keep your peace and your sanity and then giving yourself that. So another external boundary example might be maybe the other co-parent is constantly asking you questions about your dating life. Maybe they're saying, oh, the kids told me you're dating, or the kids told me this or that, but you don't really want to share anything. Maybe the kids don't even know anything, or maybe you're not even dating, but you don't even like the question and it makes you very uncomfortable and you find that you avoid, right? You get really uncomfortable with it. Well, this might be a place to have an external boundary.

You create a boundary of what you will share and what you won't. It might sound like when I have a relationship, get to the point of feeling permanent where I want to introduce the kids. I will let you know. Until then, I will not answer any questions about my personal life. So you can see that it's saying, this is what I will do. I will share these details if it comes to that, but I will not answer questions in the meantime, and you just simply don't ask the question. And again, if the next week they ask you the same thing, reiterate the boundary, maybe it gets more concise. I will not answer these questions, but I think sometimes it's saying to the other person or the other, yes, maybe they're being nosy, but it's also maybe it makes them very uncomfortable worry that you won't include them if your children were to meet someone that they were dating or you were dating, right?

If you can put yourself in their shoes and understand that, you would want to know, right? You would want to have a heads up on that, and that's totally natural, and to say that I understand, and when it comes to that, I will let you know. But until then, I will not answer any questions. It's being very clear with what you will and won't accept what you will and what you won't do, and that's what boundaries are really all about. Boundaries are really all about ways to keep you inside of your life, to keep you fully engaged and present and authentic and courageous in your life, right? When we have loose boundaries or no boundaries, again, that's when we end up feeling like a doormat, when we feel used, when we feel mistreated, and then we end up taking and doing things that we don't want to do.

So we want to avoid all that by creating boundaries for yourself. Boundaries are necessary. They're the most necessary part of any relationship, romantic, parental, friendship, family, and often, I started this conversation, many of us as women, were not taught how to have hold and set boundaries. We were actually told the exact opposite. Don't have any boundaries. Just do everything to make everyone else happy, but then you don't end up happy. So boundaries are necessary, and this is what I work with each of my clients on, right? Once we have gotten through the first few steps, the first few tools that we put in our emotional toolbox, then we start using those tools to have boundaries to set and enforce boundaries and hold them because this is the work, right? This is how we co-parent well is when we have strong boundaries. And strong does not mean rigid.

Strong means flexible, pliable, changeable. If you need to set a boundary today, it might look different tomorrow, but you being willing to learn how to even start setting them is huge. And we start setting them with ourselves. What are those internal boundaries? What are the ways that I need to protect my energy, my time, my money, my emotions, and you set those boundaries for yourself, and then we start to set them externally. If you want help identifying maybe where you need to start setting boundaries or you feel like you know where you want to start setting the boundaries, but you just aren't able to maintain 'em, to enforce them, well, that means that we need to give you some skills to be able to hold and enforce boundaries. If you want help doing that, then just schedule a clarity call with me. There's a link in the show notes.

All you have to do is click that you'll get on my schedule, and we will have a free, no strings attached call where I will help you identify what boundaries you need in place, or what skills that we need to give you and teach you so that you can be able to hold and enforce those boundaries, right? This is how we become more intentional, more courageous, and more effective in our co-parenting journey, is learning how to set boundaries with ourselves, with our co-parenting partner, with our children. This is how we stay inside of our lives versus being on the outside looking in, looking in from a place of resentment, right? Unhappiness, stuckness. We don't want to be there. So let me help you get unstuck and get very clear on how to do that. Just use the link in the show notes. This is the important work that each of us need to do in our own lives.

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