Ep #168: Navigating Co-Parenting with Confidence (Encore)

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, we'll get ready and let's dive into today's episode. 

Hello, friend. I'm so happy that you're joining me today and I'm so, so excited to get this podcast off the ground. It is something that's been on my heart for a long, long time, and I'm so excited that it's finally here.

So you might be wondering, who is this person who wants to talk to me about co-parenting? Well, first of all, let me introduce myself. I'm recording this podcast from my home that's outside Detroit, Michigan. Right now, it's early morning. The sun hasn't even come up yet. My dogs are quietly my feet and I have a cup of coffee in my hands. I love this time of day. The house is quiet and I can start my day with intention and calm as soon as the kids. That's my amazing son and my two awesome bonus boys wake up. It is anything but quiet, but I really wouldn't have it any other way. My mom jokes that I live in testosterone camp with three boys and two boy dogs and a partner. It's a lot of boy and man. I'm also a life coach who works with moms and parents who want to learn to co-parent with confidence and love.

They want to learn how to move past their divorce and take control of their life. This is a topic that's near and dear to me because I have been on my own journey, learning to heal from my divorce, learning to be a better parent, learning to love my life and the family the way that it looks, and learning how to not suffer from FOMO when I am alone. You won't be surprised to hear that it took me a long time, a lot of mistakes, a ton of unnecessary suffering to get here today, and I want to share with you the tools and the skills and the stories that have helped me and have helped my clients not only stop blindly reacting to life, but to start choosing intentionally how they want to show up as the co-parent and how they want to adult in this world.

So I'll give you a brief version of my story so that you know who I am. Like so many others, I lived my life checking off all the boxes. I did the school thing. I was a competitive athlete. I started my own successful business, and I got married and I had a child. I was a true perfectionist and a lot of type A, and I believe that if I checked all the boxes, got all the things was a good person, then I'd be happy, right? Spoiler alert, it didn't quite end up that way. One night when I was getting ready for bed, my entire world came to a complete halt In an instant, everything changed and my marriage went from something that I thought I was in control of to a broken mess. I was shattered, and it took up a long time for me to pick up the pieces.

Months, months later, after a ton of trying a lot of counseling and a lot of all the things that you do, I had a realization. I realized that I was the example to my son of what a mom, a wife, a woman look like. And at that moment when I was honest with myself, I was not being the example that I wanted to be for him. So I decided to end my marriage so that we could rebuild our family in a different direction and so that I could become the woman that I truly wanted to be. It would be great to tell you that that was the end of the pain and the challenges, but as all of you know, divorce gives you a sense of finality. But then things are just getting started. It's supposed to be better, but that's not how it works.

Not only do we now have to process the end of the relationship, but we have to co-parent with that person that we likely have a lot of feelings about and we have to do it at a distance, potentially in two homes and maybe even with new people involved. There is nothing simple about this. Can you relate to any of this? Over a period of time and many serendipitous moments, I found my way to positive psychology and life coaching, which transformed my world completely. When I finally figured out the solution that worked for me, that brought me to a better, happier place, I decided I wanted to bring this work to other people and to start sharing my journey as a life coach and where I am today. So this brings us to today and this podcast where I want to share all of this with you.

This is enough about me. You'll hear little bits about my story on future episodes, but I want to talk about you. I want to talk about why you might be here listening to this, what you might be struggling with. So tell me if any of this sounds familiar. Do you feel like you don't know what to do next? Don't know how to navigate conflict, that you're so worried and confused that you just don't do anything? Do you feel like you're the only one who's divorced, that nobody understands what you're going through? Maybe you had to divide up your friends in the divorce and now you feel alienated in social settings. I was just talking to a friend the other day how shocking it is that it's like divorce is still contagious once you're the divorce mom at social settings or school functions. It's like people don't want to get too close, not knowing it's ridiculous, but it's not the way that it's, do you feel like it's impossible to co-parent with an ex-partner that you once knew so well but now feels like a complete and utter stranger?

Are you wondering how you can possibly talk to or even look at the woman that he cheated with who's now in a parent role do you sometimes wonder, will there ever be a time that I stop missing my old life and that I'm just okay where I am? If any of this sounds familiar, you're in the right place on this podcast. I am going to help you guide you on the journey using the same tools, the same skills that I use with my clients and that I use myself, these same tools that help my clients feel more in control as a parent and actually feel confident and positive about being a co-parent. If you had told me just after my divorce that I would be in a place where I love my family, all of them as it is today, I would've told you that you don't know me.

You don't know my situation. I didn't want to be divorced. I didn't want to co-parent. I didn't want the life that I had now. So the idea that I could love it seemed impossible, but I promise you it is possible, and that's what we're going to talk about here on this podcast. So let's dive into today's episode, which is the pillars of co-parenting with confidence. So pillar number one is all about our beliefs, our mindset, and there is a common belief that's out there that has run through culture, society, and frankly, I can remember people in my own family saying this, that families that are divorced or separated are broken homes. This is a lie, 100% a lie. It comes down to the way that we think about our situation, really the way that we think about things creates our feelings about it, and how we feel about something dictates how we show up in the world.

We get to choose what we believe and culture might tell us, society might tell us. Other people might tell us that divorced homes are broken homes, but it's just simply not true, and it's up to us on what we believe society determines. A successful marriage is one that stands the test of time. How many times have we heard that and has two parents under one roof? But what happens when that's not the way that it goes down? Does that mean that it's over, that it's broken? No, but when we believe this, it creates feelings of sadness, feelings of hopelessness, feelings of rejection, and when we feel that way, we act it out. We hide, we dwell, and we don't show up loving our lives. We show up running away from them. You see, the way that we think creates the way that we feel and how we feel determines our actions.

Our actions are what we do or don't do in life. So we think we feel and then we act, right? This isn't something that I came up with. This is as old as humanity. It's how the brain works. But when we understand this, we can start to take some control. Often people think, oh, it's the divorce that makes me feel this way. It's the other person's behavior that makes me feel this way. I have to feel this way. But really it's the way that we're thinking that creates how we feel, and every single thing we do in our life is because of how we're feeling, right? So we have to choose what we believe. You can have two homes still love your kids, still be a whole and complete family just in two homes. It doesn't make you broken, right? I choose to believe this, and what do you believe?

Because the way that your thinking creates the way that you feel and that feeling determines how you show up. It is so important that we're careful about these beliefs. Pillar number two is that no matter what the other parent is doing, you still get to choose how you show up. I can't tell you how many times a day I hear, well, he did X, Y, Z, so I had no choice, or I have no choice but to yell and scream. No one's listening. Here's the thing, as humans, we are all here born with free will with agency, but when we tell ourselves we have no choice that we have to insert whatever that thing is, you're lying to yourself. You may not like the choices. They may be harder, but you do have a choice. You do get to choose, and we have to start to understand that we have choices because when we tell ourselves that we have no choice, we lock ourselves in going back to that thinking, feeling, and acting.

When we tell ourselves we have no choice, we feel helpless, right? We feel like we have to lash out, we scream and yell, and we push against things. But it's simply not true. When we're able to decide that no matter what anyone else is doing, that we get to show up the way we want. This is empowerment. This is huge. When your ex comes at you hurling insults or sending a nastygram via text, there is a choice on how you react. Now we can respond or we can react intentionally, consciously the way that we want to, but it all comes down to recognizing choice and recognizing the agency that you do have. This is a huge, huge pillar of co-parenting with confidence, just simply being willing to admit that you have a choice even when you don't like them, even when you wish you had different choices, still deciding on purpose how you're going to show up.

Pillar number three is about being a good co-parent. Listen, we all want to be good parents, but what does that even mean? Parenting expert and author of the explosive Child, Ross w. Green defines good parenting as parenting the child in front of you, not the one in your fantasy. So when we take this one step further, good co-parenting is about seeing the co-parent in front of you, not the one from the past or not the one in your mind, but the one in front of you. So here's the thing, we all have expectations about how things should be, who our child should be, how our acts should behave. But when we say should, we are just talking about an expectation that may or may not be true, but it's definitely denying what's happening. So we have to learn to be aware of what actually is true.

We have to start to understand what our expectations are, what the story is, what the shoulds we're lying out versus what is actually in front of us. This is all about awareness. When we are constantly shoulding all over ourselves, we should do this, they should do this. My kid should do this. All we end up is underneath a big pile of shoulds and we end up stuck and frankly pissed off. So instead, we have to learn to be aware. We have to learn to be present and clear and willing to see what is true, what is reality? What is actually happening in front of us? Why? Because we can only change what we're aware of, so we have to start there. Expectations are just resentments waiting to happen because it's something that we think should be happening. We expect to happen, but rarely ever does.

And who gets disappointed and upset in this? We do. So for us to be a good about understanding the other in front of us, being realistic about what the situation is, what the facts are, what is true. It's about not living in the past because the past is all about regret, and we stay stuck there. And frankly, when we're in our past thinking, we're using recycled thoughts. When we use recycled thoughts, we get the same feelings that we've had. When we have the same feelings that we've had in the past, we do the same things and then we have the same life. For us to create a new life, we have to start thinking differently. And that is being present to what is true, not using the past to dictate what we want to do, but looking at what is true for today. That also applies to future because when we get stuck in future thinking, what should be all we're doing is creating a worry cycle.

Our brain is trying to decide what's going to happen. It doesn't know. So instead, when we become aware, when we become clear and present and we start to look at actually who the people are in front of us, whether that's our child or our ex or other people, we have more power because again, when we are aware, when we know ourselves, then we can start to change. We have to be aware first. And this brings us to pillar number four. In parenting or co-parenting, a kid only needs one parent who is grounded, safe, present, loving to thrive, and guess what? You get to be that parent. Again, going back to the second pillar, regardless of what the other parent is doing, you can choose who you want to be, and you can choose to be the grounded, safe, loving parent that your kid needs. So this is all about learning to stop reacting to life, and to start responding, responding and choosing, right?

It's so easy to get caught up in toddlers tantrums or the emotional roller coaster of transitions going to and from each house, or it's easy to get swept up in your ex's drama. But if we are reacting, we're not deciding. We're just like a pinball bouncing from thing to thing to thing with really no control. It's so important that we learn to self-regulation means that we are handling our own emotions, not outsourcing that to other people. It's the idea that we can be the calm in the face of whatever storm is happening. It's about being a guide for your kids so that they're not at the whim of what's happening outside. Your ex can hurl insults at you. It's your choice whether you pick them up or not. Frankly, it's really hard to fight alone, and we are not required to attend every fight that we're invited to.

This is such an empowering place to be realize someone else can try to fight, but we don't have to engage. We can't change the other person. We can't change other people, period. Who they are. How they show up is up to them. They have free will just like we do, but we can be an influence for good, for love, and for strength. When we choose that, that is how we are going to show up. An analogy that I often use with clients and an image that I hold for myself is those beautiful big oak trees. They can get so tall. We have some outside my house that are over a hundred years old. These trees are so tall, have such deep roots, they are unmovable, right? And that's what we want to be for our kids. That tall, deeply rooted tree that is shelter, that shade for them for a place to come and rest.

We can't control what happens outside, but we can control what's happening inside. And we want to think about being that oak tree. A hurricane can come through and that tree's not going anywhere. It might lose some leaves. It might get a little beat up, but it's going to be standing. So when you love and respect yourself and you become that oak tree, learning to self-regulate, to stay grounded in the face of whatever chaos is happening, you are teaching your kids to love and respect themselves. You're teaching them how to regulate their own emotions. You're teaching them how to stay grounded and clear no matter what is happening in their life. This is one of the greatest gifts that we can teach our children how to be at peace with themselves and not needing to change the world around them. This is power, and this is what I want for you.

So in this podcast, I always want to give you actionable steps to help you in your life today, right? That's what I think is useful here. So I want to offer you one about this reactivity cycle and how to get real. So the next time that you start to get heated, maybe you're going to yell at your kids or yell at your ex or start to type that nasty response back. I want you to try something. I want you to just stop and put your hand on your heart and take three deep breaths. Because when we allow ourselves to pause, we create space. When we create space, we have an option to choose. We create space to decide, and it starts with just a breath. When we can get out of our heads and into our body and just breathe, that is where our power lies.

Honestly, it took me years after my divorce to fully breathe again, to learn to connect to myself, and now it's a daily practice that helps me ground down so that I can choose to be the mom and to be the woman that I want to be for my son. And it is totally possible for you. So the next time you feel overwhelmed, you feel like you're about to blow. It's like that tea kettle that's just simmering, simmering, simmering until it blows. I want you to just, as soon as you notice it, hand on your heart, ground yourself to your body, and take three big deep breaths. You may still react, and that's okay, but you might also give yourself an opportunity to choose differently, and this is where it begins. Okay? So that's it for today. I know I just kind of dumped a lot of thoughts at you and a lot of pillars, but I get asked these things all the time, right? All these questions, and I wanted to give you an overview before we dive into the tools and the skills in future episodes. 

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or the qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice.

Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parenting with confidence.com. I'll see you next week.