Ep #172: From Stuck to Still: Reimagining Your Relationships from the Inside Out

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name's Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn what it takes to become a great co-parent and an amazing example to your children, we'll get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Hi, and welcome back to the podcast. It's been a minute. It's been a minute since I've put out a new episode, and I wanted to just kind of touch base because I've really been feeling a shift. The last podcast that I put out was about sort of the changes in my life, the move that we made, the transition, and I had really hoped at that point it would be super simple. It would be really easy. We're just going to pick up and do something new. And it was complicated and it was really, really messy and a lot of emotions, and I'm still going through it. And I feel like that's just sort of how things go when we're in transition. And that's what I want to start really talking about more and more here. And also in the groups that I'm leading. I'm in month three of a beautiful group of women where we are walking together and it's called The Bridge, and we're really walking through the transition of relationships.

And so here on this podcast, it's currently titled Co-Parenting with Confidence. And I think I've said many times here, I define co-parenting as parenting with anyone that you don't agree with a hundred percent of the time, which means all of us are co-parenting on some level with a spouse, with an other caregivers. It's sort of across the board. But the one thing that I know and I hear consistently from women is dissatisfaction within their relationships, feeling super stuck. They come to me when they say they've tried to do everything to fix the problem, but nothing's changing. And it's a curious place to be. And the conversations that we've been having, and what has really led me to want to have a different conversation here on this podcast is that we try all of the things that we think we should try to fix the relationship, but yet we still find ourselves stuck, right?

It's talking endlessly, endless amount of hours to our friends and our family asking for advice, asking for an answer, begging, explaining reasoning with your partner. Maybe you're to the point where you're reading all the books, you're listening to all the podcasts, you're doing all the therapy, and nothing is shifting. And sometimes we're still in the marriage and nothing is shifted. Sometimes we've already gotten divorced, but we're still stuck in that same pattern where it's like, man, I did the big thing and I still am stuck in this emotional turmoil with this person. And it frankly just eats up so much of our time, our energy, our emotional currency, everything. And that's what we need to shift. And so one of the things that I've really come to understand is that we cannot think our way out of an emotional relational problem. We try, we analyze it endlessly in our head, and we ask for advice, and we try to find the right answer in a book or a podcast or with a doctor.

And a lot of times the real issue is, is that relationship struggles are not a logical issue. And they are somatic, experiential, emotional, nervous system driven issue the vast majority of the times. And this means that we cannot fix it with any amount of thinking or lack of thinking. So the overthinking, the overanalyzing, the over controlling, the numbing, the avoiding the shutdown, none of that is going to help us heal. We cannot heal from more thinking about it. We can't intellectualize our way out of it. We really have to do the work to heal it from the inside out. And that's the conversations that I really want to start having here more and more and more, because that's the way that we're going to really start to shift things. And when I'm talking to people, they come and they're like, well, I don't want to get divorced, but it feels like the only answer, but is it?

And that's the conversation that we have to start having. We get so stuck in this either or mentality. It's either this way or this way. It's either good or it's bad. It's either right or it's wrong. It's either it looks like this or it shouldn't look like this. And when we are stuck in that really tight, rigid way of thinking, we cannot see. And that's where we want to have these conversations that expand our perspective, that help us look outside of ourselves to start to see actually what's going on. And when we can see more clearly, when we have more self-awareness, when we have more awareness around the reality of what's really happening versus what we are imagining, well then we can start to shift and we can also start to find what are the options available that I can't even see because I'm so stuck in this way of thinking.

And so I just want to offer a couple of ideas to you today. And it really is about healing from the inside out, because it's about really looking at what do I know to be true for me in this moment? And that awareness, that ability to be aware of what's actually happening versus kind of the story that we're wrapped up in, requires a stillness. It requires a stillness in our body, a stillness in our emotions, a stillness in our mind. And the only way that we can get to that place is to be connected to ourselves, to our inner experience, and to be able to do the work, to have a regulated nervous system that is not being dysregulated, it's not being activated, it's not being triggered, but it really is coming from a place of stillness so that we can hear the answers within.

I mean, here's the thing I tell all of my clients when they come, I do not have the answers for you. If I had the answers, I'd be a gazillionaire because I'd be just hand 'em out. Here you go, here you go, here you go. You have all of the answers for yourself within yourself. Where we get really tripped up is being able to hear them, being able to not only hear them, but the willingness to follow, especially when it's messy, especially when it doesn't make sense. And so what we really have to begin to do is start to create a foundation for ourselves that allows us the ability to be still and to know there is a Bible verse, I don't know it. I'll try to find it and put it in the notes here, but it's be still and know it is when we are still, then we are able to access the energy.

We're able to access divine energy that comes through us. We are able to access that infinite wisdom that's always around us, always available. But without that stillness, without that open connection to the energy, we're not able to hear it. And so we really do have to do the work within ourselves to be able to not only hear, but have the self trust and the self-love to follow what we hear. I mean, a lot of times we hear the nudges. We hear that nudge that something isn't right. Hey, hey, pay attention to this. But we're like, no, no, we're not listening to that right now. And listen, I could go in a million different directions of how we have been conditioned to really not trust ourselves, right? As women, there's so many things that we have been told to not trust ourselves. And so coming home to ourselves to learn how to trust what we know to be true, and this is true for men too.

I'm saying women, but it's just as true for men as just humans. We are always told to look outside of ourselves, look outside of ourselves for the answers. Oftentimes, even when we're parenting, we're like, ah, I know. I know. Let me do it for you. Let me do it for you. But when we do that to our kids, we don't allow them the opportunity to really connect with themselves to say like, Hey, what do I know to be true here? What's the decision I should be making? And we need to be able to go through and make decisions and make mistakes and learn from them and mold ourselves, because that's how our brain learns and gets wired. And so for a lot of us, we haven't had this muscle being used, and so we actually have to spend time developing it. And that's one of the first things that we have to do is be able to get ourselves to a point of awareness of being able to see reality more clearly without all the stories we're laying on top of it, so that we can then decide which way we want to go.

And when I walk with clients, and in the bridge, the relationship work that we're doing, it really is about, there's kind of three buckets that we can move in or three paths we can take. One is repair that, is there something within the relationship that has been broken? Maybe you're not really ready to give up on things, but you are done repeating the same pattern. Well, we need to be able to support our nervous system to do the repair work, to build the healthy boundaries, to rebuild the trust and the emotional safety within the relationship when there's been disconnection. And so sometimes when we think, oh, well, there's just no helping, it's like, well, have we really done the repair? Have we identified the disconnection? Have we really poured love and care and time into it? And that could be one direction, right? Okay, so there's repair, there's also release.

And maybe it is time to let go of the relationship. Maybe everything's been tried and you guys know, or the decision has been made for you that it's done. And so in that case, what we want to do is actually release it. Divorce, as it stands, as a construct in certainly America and Western society, is this idea of division, of separateness, of ending a finality that could not be further from the truth. When we are ending one relationship in a marriage with children, we are then starting a new one. And so for us to be able to release the relationship as it stands today, release the marriage, we have to really start to look at and process the grief to release the expectations that have been on the person, the stories, the blame, all of the things we have to work to release that so that we can start something new.

Divorce is the beginning of a new relationship. And so what we want to start to really do, and what my mission is, is to really help people understand that divorce isn't this end, it burn it all down idea. What it could be is this isn't working for our family anymore. Let's build into a life and a relationship that will. And so that's a release process, right? A release so that you can rebuild. The third path, which I think does not get enough credit, is the reimagine path. Sometimes we need repair, sometimes we need release. But maybe what we really need to do is reimagine. And what do I mean by that is that you've changed in your relationship, I'm guessing, and I'm guessing your partner has too. When we change and evolve, actually the old rules that we've lived by and the roles that we've played actually just don't work anymore because we're different people now.

We can't be in long-term relationships, 10, 20, 30 years without going through really points of evolution, points of growth. And when we go through those points of growth, it only makes sense that our relationship has to do that too. So this is the path where we really start to rethink what's possible, realign our expectations with who we are today and who our partner is today, and create a new way of relating, whether that's marriage, whether that's in co-parenting, whether that's being partnered, but it's really re-imagining the relationship. I'm a firm believer that if I'm growing and evolving and my partner, God willing, is growing and evolving too, so does the relationship. It's like there's three kind of people in the relationship, me, them, and then us. And so the US part is the part where we really have to reimagine. And that really does kind of go through a repair process.

It goes through a release process, and it goes through a rebirth process. Because when we can really say like, Hey, this isn't working anymore, let's shift over this direction. It takes really strong communication. It takes boundaries, it takes regulation, it takes emotional management on both parties parts. And so this is the path that can get really messy, that can get really trying and frustrating, and can really lead to something beautiful. All three of them can lead to something beautiful. And that's the point, is we have to get away from this divisiveness, this division of believing it's this way or that way. I mean, listen, it's October of 2025, so I don't know when you're listening to this, but the political environment in the US where I live, it's a hot mess. I mean, that's a polite version of what's going on. And I think our country too is going through this place of we have to really reimagine what it looks like, right?

Because the two parties that we have going are broken and not working. And so how do we really start to make these changes? And I think all of this starts within ourselves for us to have happy, healthy, functioning families. Where does it start with ourself? And it really does. I have so many women saying, I'm so sick of doing all the work. I'm so sick of being the one that has to go first, so I get it. But you know what you are. So you can either accept it and embrace it and get empowered by that, or you can shut down and complain about it either way, right? It's not going to change anything. It's not going to change the facts, but you get to choose how you show up for it. And so that's where I want these conversations on this podcast to go is how are we really looking at different ways to repair when there's been disconnection?

And I want to bring you some of those thoughts and those ideas. And we're going to talk about release. With the divorce rate being over, I think 60% at this point, it's massive. So there's a lot of divorce happening, and I want to be a guidepost to say we don't have to go down that paradigm that says it's divisive, it's separate, it's hostile, it's all of these things. No, no, it's not. It's only that if you choose it and you get to choose. And here's where I want to end this conversation. The reason that I do these podcasts, the reason that I do the work that I do is because I am passionate about us not allowing our children to become collateral damage in adult relationships and full stop. Our children do not have to carry the weight of our emotional baggage. It is not their responsibility.

It is not their job. It is not why they're here. And so it's time for us to start taking those weights off of them and start to really choose, how do I want to show up for this? Even when the other person isn't choosing? Well, even if the other person in your children's life and in your life is being difficult, maybe really hostile, maybe there's a lot of things happening, you still get a choice, always, always, always. And it's not as easy as I'm making it sound, and I am working with a client at the moment who tries to leave, but then ends up going back. And we have to look at that pattern to understand, because a lot of us go through that where we really get clear and we're like, yes, I'm going. I'm going. And maybe we even go, but then we come back.

Why? Because we haven't built up the self-trust. We haven't built up the path, the resources, the capability to be able to move in the direction we want to go. And so instead of beating ourselves up about that, let's start to change the conversation. Let's start to really understand what is the work that I have to do within myself, first and foremost, to be able to have the ability to manage our emotions, to be able to regulate our nervous system when we're dysregulated, because dysregulation happens all the time because we're humans living in this chaotic little world with other humans. And how do we really learn to step back in and come home to ourselves so that we can not only hear the truth that's within, but have the willingness and the capacity to follow it? And that's what I want to talk about more and more.

And I hope that you've stayed, and if you have, and you've listened to this whole message, thank you. I would love to hear from you. My email is always in the show notes. [email protected]. And I would love to hear from you what topics are interesting, what topics do you need help with? Where do you find yourself struggling? And let's have those conversations here.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff. This podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or the qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice.

Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting with Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, visit co-parenting with confidence.com. I'll see you next week.