Ep #195: Falling from Grace (In Everyone's Eyes but My Own)

This episode is one of my most personal conversations yet. I've been navigating a season where life hasn't unfolded the way I expected, and it's challenged me to look honestly at how often I've handed my authority over to other people without even realizing it. As I've continued doing my own healing work, I've discovered that choosing myself, setting healthier boundaries, and living more authentically has created unexpected shifts in my relationships. While that process has been uncomfortable, it's also been deeply freeing.

If you've ever worried that disappointing others means you're doing something wrong, I want this conversation to encourage you. Growth often disrupts old patterns, but that doesn't mean you're on the wrong path. My hope is that you'll find the courage to trust your own inner wisdom, embrace the discomfort that comes with change, and continue moving toward the life that's truly aligned with who you are.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why I unknowingly outsourced my authority for years.

• How personal growth changes relationship dynamics.

• Why other people's disappointment doesn't define my choices.

• The importance of boundaries, alignment, and inner authority.

• Small daily practices that help me stay grounded during change.

If this episode resonates with you, I'd love to hear from you. Reach out at hello@mikkigardner.com, or book a Clarity Call, and let's explore what your next step toward living more authentically could look like together.

Listen to the Full Episode:

Download the Episode Transcript Here

Full Episode Transcript:

What if the reason your life suddenly feels so misaligned in midlife isn't because something is going wrong, but because something inside of you is finally waking up? Well, welcome to Led From Within. I'm Mikki Gardner, and this is a podcast for women who are done outsourcing their authority and are ready to claim a life aligned with who they are today. Because midlife doesn't need to be a crisis. It can be a return to yourself, to clarity, to courage, and to inner authority. So let's begin.

Hi. Welcome back to the podcast today. This is, uh, a really a personal conversation that I'm having with you. This summer has not been going the way that I had envisioned it. And I don't know if you've ever been there, guessing you have, where we have an idea in our head of how things are going to go, all the things we're going to do. Sort of the fun, spaciousness I had envisioned, connecting with friends, being back. And nothing has sort of played out the way that I thought.

And I also, as you know, if you listened to a couple episodes ago, uh, went away on a mental health retreat for a week and, uh, completely disconnected and did a lot of internal work. And they warn you when you do this that it takes time to integrate and that it's not always easy and it's not always comfortable, but sometimes we don't believe them. And you know, what I've been really sitting with and noticing is how many decisions in my life were actually never mind. And it's not in some dramatic victimy way, but in kind of like that quiet, everyday way that I've noticed that I outsource and have outsourced my authority, right? Whether it's to my dad or my parents or the people around me that I trusted or partners.

But I've done it for so long that I don't even know that I'm doing it. It's like I've learned to take other people's version of my life and accept it as my own. I took their read on what I needed, who I should be, who I should be with, what I should want, how I should feel about things. And I just sort of absorbed it as my own.

And in doing that, you know what happens? They get really used to that. They get used to me deferring to their thoughts, their opinions, their needs and their desires. They get used to being the one who actually gets the final word on my life. And in the process, it's like it's become so just the way that it is that Neither of us clock it as unusual, right, that I have done this.

And listen, I'm not beating myself up or blaming them. It's just a function. When I look back at the way that I was raised, at my attachment style, at the things that happened, the little traumas, the big traumas, it all sort of melds together and we have all these different parts of us and we just sort of learn how to be in relationship with other people in ways that are convenient, that create safety or that create a little bit of security for ourselves. And this is not conscious, this is unconscious. But when we do the work to become aware and bring the unconscious into the conscious, it gets really uncomfortable, you know, and when I'm being really fully honest, I do this with my son too. It's a lot of why I look at the way that I have interacted with him and I have over functioned for him constantly, in big ways and in small ways, because I don't want him disappointed, I don't want him unhappy, I don't want him upset. And so I bend oftentimes before he even asks.

What I've noticed is, uh, that when I start speaking up, sometimes it's really messy, it's often imperfect, Sometimes it's like way too late, and sometimes it comes out way too blunt because it's just like sort of been in there. And it's awkward for me to express in different ways, but I've also been quiet for so long that while it might not be new information to me, it could be new information to the people around me. And what it absolutely is is a disruption to the arrangement that we didn't know we had.

And why am I bringing this step up now is because in the last couple weeks I've noticed this most clearly in a new relationship that I'm in. It's with someone who doesn't fit the mold. It doesn't fit the picture of who I should be with in my life. And nobody is saying it necessarily outright, but I'm clocking a shift in energy, a subtleness of people trying to reconcile. Oof. What's going on here? Who is this version of her? She's not really acting like the one that we know. And suddenly it's really inconvenient when I'm showing up differently. Even though for me I feel like I'm choosing myself.

Maybe you can relate to this because you're sort of in that struggle. Maybe you haven't gotten to changing those patterns yet. And that's okay. Because what I know is that I Stayed in the spot of not changing the patterns for years and years, even when I was, uh, aware of it. Because when I thought about it, I thought, well, if I change, it's going to disrupt everybody around me. It's like I felt like my needs were in competition with everybody else's. And the idea of changing and risking the friction that may come, well, it just, I didn't. And so maybe you're there where you just don't risk the uncomfortableness, the disruption, the friction that might come when we choose ourselves.

And what I know is that so often in my own life and in my clients lives and the women that I talk to, we choose to keep the peace at the cost of ourselves. Because the uh, alternative to that just feels too hard, too much, too expensive. And I understand that. I've lived in that space for so long. And then when we start to really do the work, when we are willing to look deeply, when we're willing to challenge the status quo, when we're willing to really understand and express and get to know and validate our own needs and wants and opinions and desires, well, it's messy, it's disruptive.

But what I've started to notice recently is once you start to notice all these things, once these awarenesses come into your periphery, into your vision, you m start to notice there's a different kind of exhaustion that shows up. And it's not the kind that comes from doing too much, although that still happens, but it's an exhaustion that comes from being watched. It's not being watched in like a paranoid way, but it's being watched by the people, often the ones who love you the most, who are really just trying to reconcile the version of you that they've always known. And then this new version of you showing up. And as I've been doing this work and been in conversation about it, this particular kind of exhaustion, this being watched, it's a cost. And it's a cost of becoming another version of you.

And here's the thing that nobody told me about midlife. And maybe I wish I'd known it a little sooner. But the moment that you decide to stop playing by those old rules, the old rules that were never yours, those shared agreements that you never actually co signed. And when you quietly renegotiate your side, when you decide that you're going to stop shrinking, stop complying, stop being the one that has everything together, you don't just change your life, but you break the contracts that you've had with the people around you that they didn't know they've been counting on. And when we do that, it is disruptive and it changes the dynamics in relationship. And it is not easy.

You know, when I look back, I know that I have been kind of the golden child. And not in favoritism. That's not what I mean at all. But in the one who really functioned, right, I was a functioner. I was the one that could be counted on. I was the problem solver. I was steady. And in my ability to do that and to function and always land on my feet like a cat. Everyone else was kind of able to relax and just know it's going to work out, it's going to be okay.

I just had, uh, one of my dear friends say this to me today. You always just land on your feet and I don't have to worry about you. I love that about you. I, uh, don't feel like I'm landing on my feet all the time. But what I realize is that she gets the benefit of me playing that role when I'm not honest and vulnerable about what's really going on. But I just sugarcoat it and give her the highlights. It's easier for her. It doesn't mean that she loves me any less. She's loving me the way she can.

But I think it's important to be honest about the fact that when we have lived a certain way, handled things, and for those of us who are doers, right, we get shit, uh, done. We take care of things so that everybody else doesn't have to. There are real benefits to that role. And I want to be honest about that, because I've gotten a lot of benefits from being that version, but it wasn't an honest version. Right?

And when we shrink, when we hide, when we're not vulnerable, it's a strategy. And it's a strategy that works and keeps us safe and keeps the peace and a way for us to earn the love that we want. But that kind of earned love is conditional. And I'm actively choosing to do it differently now.

And now that I'm showing up more fully, more spiritually connected, more aligned with who I actually am, willing to go outside of the mold that everyone has for me. What I'm finding is I don't get the same benefits with the people around me. I've noticed an absence of those benefits, like kind of a subtle withdraw. I get the, I'm fine. I support you no matter what, But I don't feel that right. The words are there from them, but the feelings don't match.

And that dichotomy I keep circling around because internally, I've never felt more grounded, connected, more myself, more whole, more ready to push the boundaries. But externally, the people closest to me are experiencing something that looks a lot like loss. It's a lot of sadness. And in a way, it is a loss because the person that they knew isn't available in the same way anymore. And their disappointment around that is real. And I'm not dismissing it. But I'm also having to learn something in real time, which is the difference between somebody else's disappointment and it being somehow evidence that I'm doing something wrong, because I'm not. Those are not the same thing, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

And I wanted to come on this podcast to remind you of that. Other people's disappointment in you does not mean that you're doing it wrong. You changing, you holding boundaries, you shifting the way that you show up for yourself and others, if they don't like it, it doesn't mean you're wrong. It could mean that you're changing a dynamic, A, uh, silent agreement that you guys had that benefited them and you in some way, but it's not benefiting you now, and you have the right to change that. We also are responsible for how we go about doing that. There's a beautiful quote that I learned at onsite is that we are not responsible for what happens to us, but we are responsible for how we heal from that. And that's the point, that we're responsible for our own healing.

And as I'm going through this, and as I'm really feeling the sadness and the disappointment of the people around me and having to kind of walk through that murkiness in that mud, there's a word that I've almost used, but it doesn't feel like. And it's. I've almost said it's like a rebellion, but that isn't it. Rebellion is against something, and the journey that I'm on is for something. It's like this is defiance. I'm defiant in. In choosing myself, in renegotiating the roles that actually work for me and other people.

But that defiance is out of necessity, not out of spite. It's not trying to hurt people around me. I'm not trying to prove anything to the people who are uncomfortable. I'm just no longer willing to disappear so that they can stay comfortable. And I won't go back. I have to say that plainly to myself every day. I will not go back. Because that's the truth I'm landing on. I am not going to go back to being the version of me that made everybody else's life easier at the expense of my own.

And when I think about this and the questions that I've really been asking myself, for me, my own journey, as well as those of my clients that I work with, is how do you grow and stay honest and stay soft while disappointing the people that we really love? And there's not a clean answer. I wish there were some clean answer. But there are some truths that I know are true for me right now. And so I thought I'd share those with you. Maybe they can help. Maybe they resonate with you.

One is that you don't need people to understand in order for it to be right. Understanding might come later. It might not ever come m at all. But that can't be the condition that we're waiting on to keep going. Their understanding does not equal what's right for you.

Another thing that I've learned is that codependence doesn't just simply announce itself as codependent. So we can sort of be like, oh, I'm not going to do that. No, it actually announces itself as being the good daughter, the good mother, the good friend. It took me a long time to see that that version of good that I was performing was actually a safety mechanism, just in a package that most of us could tolerate.

Another truth that I understand is that the work happens in spaciousness, not out of reaction. I have to keep coming back to quiet, to the deep work, to the small shifts instead of, like, those big moments or the dramatic things, because the shifts that are small but are actually sustainable, that is what lasts. And so it might look like a hundred small refusals to shrink back, but that is one big result and outcome.

I think another truth that I've had to really reconcile is that faith is required here. And it's not a specific faith or religion, but it's faith that I am on the journey I'm meant to be on and that things will work out. That I am being led by my intuition, by God, in the direction that I need to go. And the more that I listen, the more that I connect and listen to myself, the more faith that requires. Because the proof isn't yet, uh, available, I don't have the evidence to know that everything's gonna end really well. I don't know if my son will fully understand any of this until he's much older, if ever. I don't know that my parents will Ever stop grieving the daughter that I used to be. What I do have is a felt sense of alignment and connectedness to myself. And I'm learning to trust that more than trusting other people's comfort with me.

And if you're in some version of this season too, I just want you to know that you're not alone. And if you're watching the people around you that you love kind of bracelets against your expression, the more honest version of you, I want you to hear this because it is true. Their disappointment is not your assignment to fix. Let me repeat that. Their disappointment is not your assignment to fix. Your alignment is not up for a vote.

You are allowed to fall from grace in someone else's eyes while simultaneously being more whole than you have ever been. It's not a contradiction. It's just what it looks like from the outside when someone finally comes home to themselves and it's uncomfortable. But it does not mean that you are doing it wrong.

You, my dear friend, are allowed to come home to yourself in whatever way that that looks. You are allowed to renegotiate the terms of relationships. You are allowed to set boundaries and hold them. You are allowed to lovingly let other people think whatever they want and lovingly let them go. And the way to stay grounded through it, the way to move through this with grace and with responsiveness and with authenticity is to stay present in yourself. Stay grounded, stay aware.

Showing up for yourself in the little ways to not let that exhaustion of being watched, of over functioning, of tracking everybody's opinions around you, but really asking yourself, what's true for me in this moment? What is true for me? Answer that question first and then you can have the conversation with others. But that's what I've noticed. When we have spent a lifetime outsourcing our authority, coming back to it feels awkward. And then all the people around us get disrupted and we can make that mean that we're doing it wrong or we can understand that we're just finding a new normal, we're finding a new balance. And it's going to take a little bit of time and then the process.

Take really good care of yourself. This is where we always go back to basics. And I have been going back to basics. Bedtime, water, limiting substances, caffeine, alcohol, all of the things. Because the more connected I am with myself, the more embodied I am, the more I'm able to show up for people with love, with respect, with kindness and with grace.

I want you to know you're not alone in this. This is why I created within so that we can have a community and conversation around these topics. Because it is hard to do this work in isolation. It's important to do this work in community. And so if you're ready to be surrounded by women who are in the journey with you, who understand what's going on and who can support you in it, then sign up, uh, to get the information about within when it starts in the fall. And I'm going to be here each step of the way with you.

If you need support now, please feel free to jump on one of the Clarity calls. It's a great way for us to help you sort through what are ways that you can actually start to make the small shifts that make big differences. And we can do that on a call together. All right, until next time. Remember, the choice is yours. Take really, really good care of you.

Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. I hope that it spoke to you and you found something useful to take away from it. If you did, I would be so grateful if you would take 2 seconds to subscribe to the show, which will help you because you won't miss another episode. And it would help me because you would never miss another another episode. And if you are in the giving spirit and would take 30 seconds to rate and review this episode, it would do wonders for the show and for me. Thanks so much for being here and I can't wait to talk to you again next week.